The desires of my heart…

Psalm 37:4 reads take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. As I reflect on the last couple of years and the events that have gotten me to where I am now, I could not believe this statement any more. Last summer, when I first arrived in Mexico, I was overwhelmed by the lack of expectations placed on me. I felt completely accepted just as I was regardless of how well I did in school, where I lived, or what I wanted to do with my life. And it completely threw me off. Separate from constant pressures of who I should be and who I should become—what I should do with my life, I found that I no longer knew what I wanted or what God wanted. I had found so much of my identity in following others and living up to their expectations that I had forgotten to listen to my own heart and take into account the things that God had so clearly written on it. But as I began to evaluate them, I became frustrated.  I felt like God had given me passions that didn’t blend, but the thought of only pursuing one—of neglecting another—left me feeling empty. So throughout the summer, I prayed for two things: for God to reveal to me who I was and what I wanted, and for God to blend my passions—those for children with special needs, for those living in poverty, and for other cultures.


Deep down, I had known what I wanted for years, but in my mind I had come to accept the lie that somehow it was too big for God? But as always, as I prayed, God answered. As the summer progressed, I was able to better understand who God had created me to be separate from my friends and family, and as the summer came to a close I felt confident of my identity  in Him and my calling to work with children with special needs. However, I still didn’t know how to reconcile my heart for missions and those living in poverty. But God had been working long before I began praying, so as we shared our hearts the last weekend we were there, and as I shared this confusion, Debbie Hollenbeck shared with me about a ministry in Ensenada—a home for those with special needs. Isn’t it amazing how God works?


So as I returned to Texas and started back at school, I pursued the opportunity in prayer. I talked with them some and loved the idea, but the door wasn’t really opened up yet. But it was all in God’s timing. While my friend’s talked about camps they had worked at, guys they had met or were dating, or the boring days they had passed at home, my heart and my mind were still in Mexico. For some reason I couldn’t flip the switch and I fell into apathy. I struggled with school and wanted nothing more than to be away from the affluence and complacency that flourishes so much at Baylor. But God helped me overcome it and become focused on his purpose for me here in Waco. Nevertheless, I still wanted to return. And the last day of finals, He began opening the door for me to go to Gabriel’s House. Now, as we finish up the application process and set the dates, I am overwhelmed with excitement to pursue God as He has given me the desire of my heart. Yet at the same time, I am completely humbled by his overwhelming faithfulness despite my lack of faith.

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